Tw: negative body talk
So I had this whole huge post typed out and I’ve been working on it for over a week, and it’s about having bad body days… but I knew the negative feelings I was having would pass, and they have! I’m feeling a lot better than when I was writing this, but I still want to post it because I know they happen to other people and I will have a bad body day in the future, too, so it’s still helpful to write it out. More importantly, I think what I’ve written is valid and I want to say it.
“I’ve never known why it’s a crime to say you’re not fine, but I’ve never been quite alright” -‘Nobody’ by Jukebox the Ghost
Bad body days happen. They suck. They really suck. Sometimes they turn into bad body weeks and it sucks even more. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid things I know will trigger one, though, and before you know it I’m down the rabbit hole having a conversation with myself about how dreadful I am and how not being so fat would fix all my problems… which I know is total bs, but it’s hard when so many people around me think about themselves like that and when that messaging is all over the place, when really close friends don’t get it but think they do, say crappy stuff, and hurt me. When I’m told that it’s ok because they’re just concerned about my health… that it’s ok for them to be concern/health trolls because they care about me. How is it ok for my ‘friends’ to only accept me in this body until I ____________ (insert “bad fatty” example here). But, oh, I don’t “look like the mental picture of morbidly obese,” and I don’t seem like one of those bad, gross, FAT fatties… But guess what, I’m not a good fatty… I don’t diet, I don’t work out, I don’t actively hate on myself and wish I were different and I don’t say that aloud to make other people feel better about their own insecurities, I have medical problems but you know, it’s not anyone’s business but mine. I still deserve friendship, respect, acceptance, love and appreciation regardless of what I weigh and regardless of my health.
So what happens if I gain weight? Where is the line in sand? When am I not worthy anymore? Why do I have to accept conditional relationships? Why is it ever ok to suggest I get gastric bypass? Why is it ok to even ask me “Have you ever thought of getting gastric bypass?” Like, yes, I’m sure a lot of people do- people that aren’t even as fat as me. (I don’t have the mental capacity to go into the science stuff, but please check out www.bigfatscience.tumblr.com it is an AMAZING resource, here is a post about the issues with weight loss surgery) Why do I have to take that crap and just be ok with it when I’m not ok? Why is it so shocking that I’m not actively trying to lose weight 24/7 365 or, like, ever? Why do loved ones get to send me into terrible anxiety and self-hatred spirals? It doesn’t compute. The worst part for me is that I feel like I can’t say anything in the moment, I can’t call people out, I should obviously just take it because they’re “right”… *rolls eyes* I know people love me, and I know they care about me but that doesn’t mean I want their misplaced “care” or opinions on my body. It’s as if people think they have the right to comment on my body because it is fat. It’s rude. It’s not anyone’s place, sorry not sorry! I make an active point to not talk about other people’s bodies, I don’t compliment weight loss, and I try very hard to not talk negatively about my body in front of other women, and especially not in front of younger women/girls, because trust me they HEAR what people are saying and pick it up. My little ten year old cousin is a rockstar gymnast and she is seriously in shape and strong, and again TEN years of age, has pinched her skin while sitting down and said “I’m fat!” to me. She is so young but has already learned that negative body talk is de rigueur! She’s gotten that from family members, TV shows, ads, other girls at school and at her gym- it’s literally all around. And the thing is, there are girls her age who are fat and it’s so so hard because kids are freaking mean sometimes, and because parents are awful sometimes, and ten is too young to hate yourself but it happens. I know because I lived that.
Fatshion February ended last week (two weeks ago now -R) and I feel like I should be riding high and inspired, but right now I honestly feel awful. I’m over my haircut, I have been super red in the face the last few days, my face is breaking out really bad which never happens, and I don’t like any of the outfit pics I’ve snapped lately… basically, I’m not liking what I see in the mirror. I hate feeling like this and I’ve worked so hard not to, but external forces are always at work. I need to remember that this is a temporary feeling. I wish more of the people in my life understood I just can’t talk about this crap, that the mental ramifications of it are not worth it to me. I need a safe places where diets and weight loss are just not a topic of conversation… There is so much more to talk about! I want everyone I love to be happy in general, having a good, positive relationship with their bodies and feeling good- and like, hey if you tried a smoothie recipe and it was awesome let me know! But, I don’t care what the scale says about anyone. I am just asking for that in return. And honestly, that is too much for some people in my life.
I also think I need to see my doctor about adjusting my Zoloft or putting me on Abilify or something, too. I know I’m not in the best place mentally right now. I feel the urge to isolate myself and give in to my homebody tendencies fully. I’m having a hard time. Not just with my body, but with adulting. It’s even tougher to adult when dealing with bad body feelings, when all I want to do is mope and feel bad about myself. It’s hard to admit sometimes because I just want to be-bop around, wearing cute dresses, and feeling good about myself and enjoying my life without the grayness creeping in. This journey is hard, but I know it’s worth it and I know I will work through these feelings in time…
Thanks for reading if you’ve read this far, I promise my next post won’t be so depressing